Scene 1. In the kitchen. Andrea cooks and Glenn sits at the table.
Andrea: Fried or scrambled?
Rick (entering kitchen suddenly): Do the right thing!
Glenn (after a pause): OK. Is it right to have the eggs fried or to have them scrambled or to talk about whether to have them fried or scrambled?
Rick: Just do the right thing!
Glenn (another pause): I’ll have scrambled.
Andrea: You know, I’m getting a little tired of the division of labor around here. I mean, it’s always the women scrambling eggs and washing clothes.
Glenn: I’ll scramble eggs.
Rick: I don’t know, Glenn. I kinda thought you might spend today going down to the creek and killing about a hundred zombies.
Glenn: Hey, good news! For a minute there, I was afraid I was going to have to scramble eggs.
Scene 2. Glenn and Maggie in the abandoned pharmacy.
Glenn: We just rode horses next to each other for a whole hour and you didn’t say a word to me. Are you mad at me about something?
Glenn waits for her to speak; she remains silent.
Glenn: OK … well … better look at my shopping list …
Maggie: Hey, would you like to have a really brief torrid affair with me for no reason?
Glenn: You want to have an affair? With me? You must like me.
Maggie: I hate you!
Glenn: You hate me?
Maggie: I love you!
Glenn: Oh, wow. You love me? Really?
Maggie: I hate you!
Glenn: OK. Now I’m confused.
Maggie: Shut up!
Glenn: That I understand.
Glenn: Hey, could you say “shut up!” again? There’s just really something special about the way you say it. It’s kind of cute.
Scene 3. Glenn, Rick and Herschel in alley behind abandoned bar. The Prisoner lies on top of a Dumpster, his leg impaled on a pole.
Rick: We’ve got to save him!
Glenn: Why? He just shot at us!
Rick: He’s just a kid!
Herschel: So? I’m just an old fart. What’s it got to do with anything?
Glenn: The zombies are 50 feet away! We can’t save him!
Rick: Look, it’s the right thing to do.
Glenn and Herschel: Here we go again!
Glenn: I’ll save him if you just stop saying that.
Scene 4. Lori and Rick on an isolated country road.
Lori: OK, I got pregnant and didn’t tell you and had an affair with Shane and didn’t tell you and I’m not sure who the father is and Shane wants me to hook up with him again and I think he wants to kill you.
Rick: Hey, I understand honey. You thought I was dead and the world was coming to an end. You were desperate and just needed something to cling to.
Lori: Wow! That’s a major plot point and you knew it before you’d even seen the show. How did you do that?
Rick: Well … I’ve got a script …
Lori: Oh, yeah … Of course …
Scene 5. As the two sit on a couch, Andrea tries to comfort Maggie.
Andrea: She’ll be OK. You just need to be strong for her.
Maggie: I don’t think she’s going to be OK. She’s just lost her family and tried to kill herself. Why would you even say something like that? Did you hear that in some soap opera or something?
Andrea: Well … it’s in the script.
Maggie: Oh, yeah … right … of course.
Scene 6: Lori and Carl sit by the camp fire.
Carl: Mommy, if your baby’s a girl, can we name it Sophia?
Lori: Well, honey, why would you want to name it Sophia? Did Sophia suddenly become really important just because she died? I mean, we didn’t really know anything about Sophia, did we? She never had any lines.
Carl: You mean like T-Dog?
Lori: Yeah, like T-Dog. Now, if mommy had a boy, you wouldn’t want to name him T-Boy would you?
Carl: Well, no. But T-Dog’s still alive.
Lori: Is he?
Scene 7: The whole group is locked in a debate inside the house.
Rick: We need to make a decision about what we’re going to do with The Prisoner!
Dale: Let’s just do what’s right!
Entire group: Oh, not you too!
Dale: Would you people just listen to yourselves? If we execute this prisoner, we’ll be losing all our ties to humanity; to civilization.
Glenn: You want civilization? Then don’t bring that guy into this group. I can’t imagine any more cruel, uncivilized, inhumane treatment than to introduce some poor innocent schmo into this freak show.
Rick: Enough of that! We need to stop and talk about how we’re going to execute this guy.
Dale: IF we’re going to execute this guy … IF! … IF! …
Rick: Oh, yeah … Sorry … If … My bad …
Scene 8. Rick and Lori at the campsite.
Rick: Everybody wants me to be leader, but they question every decision I make. Should I keep being leader anyway? Is it the right thing to do?
Lori: Look, what with my ex-lover constantly bugging me to leave you, I’m pretty much worn to a frazzle. So, today you can do either the “everybody questions my leadership” thing or the “is it right?” thing, but you can’t do both! So pick one!
Rick. Great! I come to you for help and I get my hardest decision yet!
Scene 9. Rick and Shane in a desolate parking lot.
Rick: I’m going to do the right thing.
Shane: NO! I’M GOING TO DO THE RIGHT THING! GRRR! SNARL! ARGH!
Rick: I can do the right thing, Shane.
Shane: NO! I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING FIRST THIS TIME! YOU ALWAYS GET TO DO THE RIGHT THING FIRST! GRRR! SNARL! ARGH!
Rick: Look, I don’t care who does it first as long as it gets done.
Shane: OK! I’M GOING TO DO THE RIGHT THING! GRRR! SNARL! ARGH!
Rick: All right, well, if you’re going to do it, you’re going to have to stop talking.
Shane: OH, GREAT! NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME I CAN’T TALK! GRRR! SNARL! ARGH!
Rick: Fine, I’ll just do it myself.
Shane: NO! I’M GOING TO DO IT! GRRR! SNARL! ARGH!
Dialogue continues in same vein.
Scene 10. Dale, Rick and Shane walk down a desolate road.
Dale: I think Shane’s going crazy.
Rick: Naw, man. Shane’s turned over a new leaf.
Dale: I don’t think so. He’s walking right behind you with a fully loaded assault rifle.
Rick: It’s OK, man. He’s under control.
Dale: I don’t think so. He’s pointing the gun right at the back of your head.
Rick: Look, I’ve got this one, bro. Don’t worry. We won’t have any more trouble out of him.
Shane: GRRR! SNARL! ARGH! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
Dale: Do you hear what he’s saying?
Rick: Sometimes he mumbles to himself when he’s a little torqued. I admit it’s annoying but it’s not dangerous.
Shane: I AM JUST PLAIN GOING TO FLAT OUT KILL YOU DEAD!
Dale: You know, I think you may be ignoring a serious problem here.
Rick: Nothing I can’t handle.
Scene 11: Rick and Andrea in the camp.
Rick: That’s the second time you’ve pointed that gun in my face!
Andrea: Yeah, what about it, big man? What are you going to do if I do it again?
Rick: I’m going to say, “That’s the third time you’ve pointed that gun at my face.”
Scene 12: Dale walks into Daryl’s camp.
Dale: Hey, what’s going on here? Daryl … why are you hanging body parts of zombies up everywhere?
Daryl: Anything wrong with that?
Dale: Well, I just don’t want to see you crack up, son. You’re a good man, Daryl.
Daryl: Why do you tell me I’m a good man?
Dale: Because I need your help in an alliance against Shane, and I figured I’d have a lot better chance of getting it if I told you were good than if I told you you were a raggedly old hick we just put up with because you’re great at tracking.
Daryl: Hey, your alliance ain’t my problem.
Dale: Well, what if The Prisoner gets loose and kills you in your sleep?
Daryl: Ain’t my problem.
Dale: He kills you in your sleep and that’s not your problem?
Daryl: Ain’t my problem.
Dale: Daryl, you just shot an arrow through your right shoulder.
Daryl: Ain’t my problem. Ouch.
Scene 13: Night. Glenn and Maggie sit on a hill, watching the zombies stagger up the slope.
Glenn: You know, this is the only thing that keeps me going, when you sit next to me like this and talk with me about everything that’s on my mind.
Maggie is silent.
Glenn: If it weren’t for you, it would all be so pointless. I mean, what is there to look forward to? Are we going to stay alive just so we can watch the zombies eat our children? Then watch them eat us? Then feel some really, really intense and unpleasant pain? And then never watch anything again?
Maggie is silent.
Glenn: It all seems so meaningless. We live in constant fear. And the best we can do is tell each other a bunch of feel-good platitudes to keep us going. Why do we do this? Why do we keep struggling against the inevitable?
Maggie is silent.
Glenn: Oh, well. I don’t guess I’ll ever figure it out. I just know I’ll be able to make it one more day every time you come out here at night and tell me you love me.
Maggie: I hate you.
Glenn: I love you too, darling.
Rick suddenly appears on the scene.
Rick (whispering): Hey, I know this is kind of an intimate moment for you two, and I’m just sorry as hell for interrupting. But I wondered if I could just put in a brief word for doing the right thing.
Glenn (standing up): Uh, I’m going to go look for some zombies.